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Excuse Me, Where Did You Say That Hotel Was Again?

My rather shrill and decidedly anxious exchanges between the driver and
temperamental Thai alarm clock surprised his companion, I assumed the contents
me immensely by sounding at 5am. Prior to weren't technically allowed to leave Laos
this morning's unexpected accuracy my and enter Vietnam. Something fishy was
contender for the world's cheapest and going on but that wasn't my chief
most unreliable alarm clock had both concern. As we pulled to a stop behind
completely failed to activate, and also various other vehicles at the border post
gone off at 3.45am without my having any I was more than a little pre-occupied
recollection of setting it for that with the possiblity that I might be
ungodly hour. On that notable occasion I denied entry into Vietnam. Precisely what
was on my way from Bangkok to Chaing Mai, I would be do in this event I did not
and was sharing a first-class sleeper know. The cardboard boxes were the least
compartment with perhaps twenty fellow of my worries.After waiting around for
backpacker's and a handful of wealthy what seemed an eternity it was our
Thai's. Thankfully I had my curtain drawn vehicle's turn to approach the border
across so no-one realised the source of guards. I was stamped out of Laos with
their nocturnal interruption.Where was I? the minimum of fuss. Confirming my
Oh, yes, Vientiane the capital city of suspicions that something fishy was
Laos PDR, 5am and the scene of my first indeed going on, I witnessed my driver
major success with my erratic little palm a border official some money. The
alarm clock.Vientiane had proven itself search of our vehicle was then less
to be a rather dull and uninspiring city. thorough than usual and with the
So it was with a certain sense of relief cardboard boxes officially ignored we
that i bounded out of bed, washed, were waved through. Towards the
dressed, slung my backpack over my Vietnamese side of the border!Being the
shoulder, and sauntered outside in search only westerner in our group I had to
of a tuk tuk to take me to the bus wander over to the imposing Immigration
station.For anyone who may be wondering, Building on my own. My heart was in my
finding a tuk tuk in the dark and mouth as I presented my passport to the
deserted streets of Vientiane at a little unsmiling official. As he thumbed through
after 5am is surprisingly easy. Firstly, my passport to find my visa I realised
walk for around twenty minutes in what that my immediate future lay in this
you assume is the direction of the indifferent man's hands. I felt less than
riverfront. At this stage you may, if you comfortable. Soon enough he had located
are anything like me, suddenly become my visa and was beckoning over his
aware of the fact that you are a little stony-faced colleague. After a brief,
bit disoriented. Fear not, for if you unreadable conversation the other man
strike out down that little road to the walked away. The man behind the
left, completely on a whim as I did, you plexi-glass coughed, yawned and then
will be sure to stumble out almost looked me right in the eyes. My heart
exactly where you had intended to be. sank. He cleared his throat, it was the
Assuming you are anything like me of moment of truth.The Immigration official
course.In my case I arrived at the spoke. My heart was beating so loudly in
riverfront near to the delicious food my ears I thought he said $10. He did say
stalls that are open at night time. $10! I slipped the note under the counter
Unfortunately at this hour one is not and watched as he placed that glorious
greeted by the terrific aroma of frying stamp in my passport, slid it back to me
beef, simmering lemon grass and sizzling and waved me into Vietnam. Easy. What had
chilli. Unfortunately at this hour one is I been worrying about?Safely back in the
not greeted by anything or anyone much at van I replayed the scene in my mind. Was
all. Suffice to say there wasn't a soul it a bribe? Or was it an official fee
about, let alone a tuk tuk in sight. imposed when entering the country one day
Having factored this precise scenario early? My guidebook couldn't clarify this
into my morning's schedule I was aware for me and frankly I wasn't fussed. I had
that I still had plenty of time. The bus made it into Vietnam and what an
I needed to take to theborder town of Lak exhilarating way to do so!So, I found
Sao didn't leave until 6.30am, and I had myself, twelve hours after my alarm clock
been reliably informed that the bus had finally realised it's potential, in
station was only ten minutes by tuk the Socialist Republic of Vietnam. As the
tuk.However, I didn't much relish the day gradually shifted into night I stared
thought of an early morning hike without at the rolling hills of green and allowed
food in my belly, and with only my my self to relax and take stock. I hadn't
heavily laden backpack for company. But meant to when I woke up this morning but
hike I did and just when I was giving up I had made it into Vietnam. I had thirty
hope of ever finding a tuk tuk I spotted days to explore this fascinating and
a slumbering soldier with a rifle across beautiful country. I was excited and I
his lap. An ambiguous and non-committal was content. In amongst all the panic and
hand gesture was his only response to my confusion back at the border I had
polite enquiry about a tuk tuk. So I managed to find some food and a bottle of
simply pressed on. Several minutes later water. I sat back and let myself enjoy
and with my mood darkening, a solitary the journey.I'm not sure how long I had
tuk tuk loomed on the horizon. Quite a been day-dreaming for but I suddenly
magnificent sight if the truth be told. became aware that the co-driver had
With my previously sagging spirits given clambered through the minibus and was
a mighty lift I began to march towards sitting in the seat next to me. I
the tuk tuk, very aware that my bus was reluctantly snapped out of my reverie and
due to leave in a little over half an realised that he had been asking me for
hour.After waking up the dozing and another $10. In Lak Sao I had agreed a
dishevelled driver and negotiating a price of $5 to be driven to Vinh, in
price, I was very soon hurtling through Vietnam. Now they were suddenly demanding
the early morning city streets towards more. I argued for a while, angry that
the bus station. People were beginning to the Vietnamese passengers weren't being
stir, monks were strolling in search of asked for $10. I knew a two-tier pricing
alms, and roadside stalls and other system existed in South-East Asia, and
businesses were slowly being readied for had had no problem with it until now, but
the day ahead. The sun was unhurriedly being confronted with it so blatantly
rising and lighting the scenes unfurling made me exasperated. My arguments proved
around me in a most agreeable manner. futile and faced with no choice I handed
Vientiane at this hour appeared gentle over the $10 very begrudgingly. I wasn't
and charming, almost attractive. But I having the best day of my trip and all I
had a bus to catch and with about two wanted was to get to Vinh, fall asleep
minutes to spare we screeched into the and start again tomorrow.About seven
bus station, my driver hurling my bag at O'Clock we stopped in a dirty,
me and pointing to my bus and the ticket nondescript little town. Mistakenly
office.I ran to the ticket office and assuming we were stopping for food or to
bought a ticket before attempting to use the toilet, it came as a great shock
board the bus. I had to take my backpack when I was told we had to change to
on the bus with me and clambering over another minibus. I hadn't been told this
sacks of rice, various baskets and cages earlier, and nor it seemed had my fellow
of livestock and one notably diminutive passengers. We were all a bit confused
man, proved a little tricky. I soon came and our doubts and suspicions were soon
to the realisation that there weren't any magnified by the arrival of our new
seats left on the bus. Sensing that i was driver. Beady-eyed, unkempt and smelling
a little perplexed as to where I was distinctly of rice wine he was not an
going to spend the next 8 or so hours, a individual that easily instilled
kindly old lady with a basket of chickens confidence. Especially considering I
and assortment of vegetables on her hadn't had the most relaxing of days thus
elderly lap pointed in the direction of a far and was feeling quite fatigued. Now I
pile of sacks at the end of the bus. I was stood in a grubby little town
nodded my thanks and reminded myself of somewhere between the border with Laos,
the fact that I was travelling on a and Vinh, our final destination. It was
public bus in Laos after all. This was pouring with rain and my new driver
what travel was all about and why I had appeared to be drunk. Vietnamese roads at
chosen to travel by public bus in the night have a reputation for being very
first place. I chucked my pack onto the crowded and very poorly lit. Accidents
back seat and slumped into my pile of are common and travellers are strongly
sacks. I actually found them to be quite advised not to travel by road after
agreeable.I couldn't see out the windows dark.Not faced with a tremendous amount
which is normally how i pass long bus of options I shoved my pack into the bus
journeys, so instead I read my book and and jumped in after it. No sooner had I
drifted in and out of a sleep of the slammed the door shut we were off. We
head-lolling, jolt awake variety. Apart pulled into the frantic melee of scooters
from a cacophony of noise provided by the and drove for all of about ten minutes
wildfowl on board, the journey was before stopping abruptly. The driver
uneventful by South-East Asian standards, alighted the vehicle and entered what
and we arrived in Lak Sao at 3pm.My plan appeared to be a house. Quarter of an
was to find a guesthouse and explore Lak hour later he re-appeared and came
Sao for a while, and then spend the night ambling towards the vehicle before slowly
there beofre heading into Vietnam in the and unsteadily re-positioning himself in
morning. I was in no hurry, my Vietnamese the driver's seat. His hair was wet and
visa started on 18th September, today was slicked back and smelt unmistakably of
17th. I had plenty of time so I was happy shampoo. He had also changed his clothes.
to break the journey into two and move It appeared that our potentially
nice and steadily.Finding out via ten inebriated driver had treated himself to
minutes of sign language that there was a quick shower before propelling us to
in fact no guesthouse in Lak Sao slightly Vinh. Despite having been awake and on
scuppered my plans. That they proved to the move for over fifteen hours, and
be ill-researched plans had sadly led to having a rapidly diminishing sense of
my current predicament. My style of fun, I managed a smile at this man's
travel has and always will be the "wing unbelievable nerve. I actually quite
it and see what happens" style of travel. liked the way this chap conducted
This "things will work themselves out in himself! I just hoped he wasn't really
their own weird and wonderful way" loaded and that we made it to Vinh in one
approach to travelling has led me into piece.If he was driving under the
some fascinating situations in the past influence it never showed, and three
and inevitably will do so again in the hours or so after his shower our
future. Usually I emerge unscathed and inimitable driver pulled alongside a kerb
armed with a unique story. That's the and triumphantly announced that we had
theory anyway.The only time this theory made it to Vinh. The time was 10.45pm and
cannot be applied, confidently at least, I had now been awake for seventeen hours
is when one is trying to enter the and forty five minutes. In that time I
Socialist Republic of Vietnam one day had stumbled and groped my through the
before their visa officially begins. From dark streets of Vientiane in search of a
all that I had heard on the traveller's tuk tuk. I had been sat on the floor of a
grapevine I had about as much chance of public bus surrounded by quacking,
entering Vietnam on this particular day squeaking, and clucking farm animals. I
as I did of finding rocking-horse shit! discovered that there wasn't a guesthouse
However, I didn't have many options and I in Lak Sao. I had shared a minibus with
had given up trying to explain my one man constantly smoking and another
predicament to the friendly but insistent constantly spitting into a plastic bag. I
group of guys offering to drive me to the had unwittingly been involved in an
border and on into Vietnam.So with a illegal smuggling operation although I
great deal of trepidation I threw my bag only played a very minor role. I had
onto the roof of the minibus, paid my $5 possibly bribed a Vietnamese Immigration
and took a seat. I soon learned that I Official. I had been ripped off. I had
was to be sharing this nerve-jangling swapped minibuses in a dingy little town.
journey with a very curious bunch of My new driver had snuck off for a quick
people, who I later realised constituted shower. He may well have been drunk. It
my first impression of the Vietnamese.The had certainly been a long and enervating
gentleman sitting just across the aisle day.Alas, we had finally reached Vinh and
was chain-smoking ghastly smelling I felt an immense sense of relief washing
cigarettes with his window firmly rolled over me. I had made it. I began to
down. Another fellow kept hawking up reflect on how these situations always
phlegm from the recesses of his lungs and have a habit of working themselves out in
periodically depositing it into a plastic the end. Then I realised that I was
bag he appeared to have brought with him exhausted and had to find a bed for the
for just that purpose. My third and final night. So I asked my driver the
fellow passenger was a Vietnamese lady whereabouts of the nearest hotel. True to
who, to her credit, displayed rather more his unpredictable nature he shrugged,
unobtrusive and sociable character pointed up the road somewhat vaguely, and
traits. At one stage in our journey she proceeded to drop my backpack into the
silently offered to share her fried rice deepest puddle I had ever seen. With that
with me. Not meaning to offend I he cleared his lungs, spat vehemently
nevertheless politely declined her kind inches from my feet, nonchalantly combed
offer.Alongside myself and the Vietnamese back his hair and sprang into his cockpit
passengers were row upon row of cardboard before speeding away.Excuse me, where did
boxes. Quite what these contained I do you say that hotel was again?
not know but judging from the hushed,




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